Universal Respect

I built my house with limestone, nobody’s taking me from my home.

It’s a no-fly zone, shoot down your drone.

Kill all the mosquitoes with my microphone’s striking tone,

I should buy a metronome.

Got rhymes older than the Minneapolis Metrodome.

Dressed like a Viking warrior dancing in foam.

Till I’m too tired to stand on my own.

Respect the universe.

So, I pull up a stool and listen to the indie band.

Raise up my arm with lighter in hand.

Notice the bartender’s natural tan.

Ask her if she has a man.

As she serves me another new Belgium Voodoo can,

She answers yes and blows up my plan.

Respect the universe.

I pay my tab and call a yellow cab.

As I’m waiting, I notice a cannabis lab.

Maybe I can go in and make a grab?

I climb in the window like a hermit crab.

Respect the universe.

I smell the herb from down the hall.

Begin shopping like I’m at the candy store in the mall.

Grabbing handfuls of sweet ganja nuggets, both big and small.

Jump back out the window, careful not to fall.

Went back to the bar, ordered a bourbon, said make it tall.

Walked back to the bathroom and hit a one-hitter in a stall.

Heard a female voice say, “you better have enough for us all.”

Respect the universe.

It was the bartender, she said, “let’s get out of here and go have a toke.”

I thought this must be some sort of cruel joke.

I asked, “what about your special bloke?”

She said, “don’t worry about it, let’s just go smoke.”

So, she drove us up to her secret spot

And we parked in the Salvador Dali Museum parking lot.

I said something stupid, like you look kind of hot.

She held me at gunpoint, stole my clothes and my pot.

I stood there humiliated in my boxers covered with polka dots.

Ran straight home in slow trot.

Cried and ate way too many tater tots,

While I watched the Short Circuit movie about a living robot.

Johnny 5 is alive.

Fell asleep on my crappy cot.

Had a nightmare about my burial plot.

The tombstone read; this unlucky bastard got ran over by a yacht.

Respect the universe.

Woke up the next night to a report of an accident on the news.

A woman was so stoned she fell in the water reaching for her dropped shoes.

The current swept her out into the great blue.

And she sadly got crushed by a sailing crew,

Their gigantic yacht tragically split her in two.

I bowed my head and gave the universe the respect it was due.

I’ll never steal again; you can believe that much is true.

Respect the universe.

Nomad learns a lesson

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